Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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