i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This is the high leading the old right now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
