I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
