i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
