not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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