Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
