So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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