Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
