don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize