you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Someone signed my nipple.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
