I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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