i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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