I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
