I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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