Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
