So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
