This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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