gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
