I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
