Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
