She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Panties = found
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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