The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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