Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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