I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!