She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest