It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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