I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
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Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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