Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
