It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
