My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
