Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
