so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Small penises have feelings too.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
