Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
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