he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
