I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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