I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
