And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
last night I used snow as a chaser
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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