On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
