I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
