he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
