Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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