True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
