If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
