I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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