and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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