I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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