I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
