If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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