I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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