In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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