i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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