I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
