I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize