I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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