My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
