I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
