Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
