We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When did angry sex become our thing?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
