my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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