i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
