I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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