DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
