I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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