somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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