That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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