I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
