I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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